The bird.
Just adjacent to the street where the paddle boat, a baby grand, and an elliptical walked into a bar recently, last year while taking the first of the mandatory three trips to the hardware store I have to take while working on any project that requires at least one trip to the hardware store, I happened upon a bird in the middle of the road. Not exactly dead center of the road, but somewhere near the middle of the opposing lane of a two lane road.
I looked over at it as I drove past and knew it was a Red-Bellied Woodpecker. Odd, I thought to myself since wood roads are not a thing. I took a slightly different route home and didn’t give a bird another thought. I then took the same route on the second trip to the hardware store an hour later and the bird was still on the road, as I slowed down and pulled up close it flew away. It was then I noticed a pancake flat, dead, Red-Bellied Woodpecker on that same spot. It wasn’t going to fly anywhere. On the second return trip from the hardware store, the live bird was back on the road again.
This made me a little concerned.
When I got home, instead of working on the hardware store necessary, project at hand, I researched (I’m not making this up) the mating habits of woodpeckers. I discovered that while some species mate for life, the Red-Bellies do not, but they do mate for at least the season, like some people I know. Knowing this bird was grieving, did not make me less sad. I also became concerned (again, I’m not making this up) that the mourning bird, would get run over by another car and there would then be two dead woodpeckers on the road. This is at least twice as bad one dead pecker and probably more.
Luckily, I always need three trips to the hardware store, so minutes later, I stopped, put on my hazard lights, got out of the car, donned a pair of work gloves and walked towards the birds in the road. The live one flew up to a nearby branch and eyeballed me closely as I picked up the dead one, which was lighter than I thought it would be. I stepped over the ditch and placed it at the base of a maple a tree.
On the third trip home from the hardware store that day, I saw the woodpecker standing vigil over its deceased mate, at the base of a tree, safely away from the road, and felt good about it.
The amphibian.
Not a half mile as the crow flies, and just over the hill from the paddle boat, baby grand, and elliptical, I saw a bump in the road; it was a turtle. As turtles go, it wasn’t the largest I’ve seen, but it was pretty substantial. Since I’ve swam with sea-turtles, hooked a snapper or two in my day, and had a couple pet Painted turtles as pets in my youth, I feel a kinship with my amphibian friends, so I stopped to check it out. She was a beauty, likely the biggest Painted turtle I’ve seen up close, about 9 inches long.
I’ve been told (again, not making this up), if you pick up turtle in the middle of the road, don’t just put it off the road, you must put it off the side of the road in the direction it was facing, because the turtle is going somewhere it wants to go, which means it’ll just crawl back on the road again to try to cross again. This particular stretch of road features a modest house, with a small pond in the front yard so I surmised that’s where my turtle friend was headed.
I picked up the turtle hedging away from the bitey end towards the peeing end and was rewarded with warm turtle piss which did not thwart my efforts. As I walked up someone’s lawn, turtle in hand, I was met by a car pulling out of the driveway. A lady rolled down her window and casually gave me her best curious questioning wtf face.
“I just found this in the middle of the road and thought she was heading toward your yard. I didn’t want her to get run over, so I thought put her in your pond.” I stated.
She laughed and said, “no problem”.
I didn’t tell her about the woodpeckers.
The hairy beast.
Same road as the turtle, east of the woodpecker road, I was on my way to the gym (which I need to start doing again). I’m rolling at about 40 and I come over a rise and unexpectedly find a large stopped dump-truck in my lane. I get out of the car, and in the opposite lane I see the beast (unscathed) in front of a stopped car, with a driver looking at me and pointing at the beast like I don’t see it.
I put on my wtf face and recall seeing higher than normal fences at a nearby house. A few more cars join the traffic jam as I walk up on to the porch.
I knock.
-nothing.
I ring the doorbell.
-nothing.
I knock harder and attempt to peek through the curtains.
All hell breaks loose, three kids start screaming “stranger danger” or some such shit.
I decide to back off the porch and not get shot.
As I retreat down the stairs I hear the house door open and turn around to find “mom”.
She gives me her wtf face.
“Do you have a lama?” I ask.
“No”,…… she pauses.
“We have an alpaca.”
“Okay, lady”,……. I pause.
“Whatever kind of hooved quadruped you own, got out and is in the road, blocking traffic”
“Where is she?”
“In the middle of the road” I assure her.
“Hold on a minute, she loves the kids more than me”
The mom, then gets the biggest of the “stranger danger screaming” kids to walk out and call the beast which follows her back into the pen.
I need to start going back to the gym.