I’ve included a picture of the recipe, but I suggest you read the essay for best results, because if you merely follow the recipe, you’ll create something different! These are very detailed instructions written for menfolk that have a low quotient cooking IQ such as I.
For best results, I suggest using a one pound box of Cavatappi because it’s a fun shape and is durable enough to stand up to my aggressive mixing. It’s also seems to have some ridges that hold the dressing well. Historically, wagon wheels are my favorite go-to pasta shape, but alas, I’ve deemed them too fragile for this dish. Fill a large saucepan with water and bring it to a boil. I don’t know if you should add salt or not, or what that does, but I’ve tried it both ways to rave results. Once that water is boiling, like my mind in a ten mile traffic jam, pour the entire box of pasta in. I recommend not covering because if you do, it’ll likely boil-over and create a stove top mess (the wife does not like stove top mess). This is important: boil stuff for exactly 9 minutes then pour first through a strainer, then immediately dump into a bowl of ice cold water to stop the cooking process. You are now in possession of Al Dente noodles! Drain again to dry a bit, then in the fridge they go.
Eggs: I recommend nine eggs although the recipe calls for four. Let’s keep in mind the recipe also calls for potatoes so just roll with me here. These instructions are full of culinary poetic license. You can cook these in your preferred method, but unless you want to pick itsy-bity pieces of shell off hard boils eggs leaving ugly pot-marks, I suggest the following. Put those bad boys in an electric pressure cooker and set it for 5 minutes, when it’s done, let it sit and naturally let the pressure release for five minutes, then manually release the remaining pressure. Just like the pasta, immediately get them into an ice bath. I choose to peel after about 5 minutes in the ice bath. We’ll discuss the cutting up later. Put them in the fridge to chill like Fonzi.
Celery: Get some nice fresh crisp celery and dice it up a little. I like to cut them about ¼ wide, because let’s face it, celery doesn’t add much flavor, but it provides the critical crunch function. If you prefer limp celery, I’m sorry we cannot be friends and you are doomed to substandard macaroni salad. I don’t mind the full cross section of the celery, but there are some that do, so I’ve taken to slicing the celery lengthwise before cross cutting it to keep the peace in the house. I use 4-5 nice green stalks which seems to fill out about one cup. I know the recipe says ½, *see the instructions above about culinary poetic license.
Sweet Gherkin Pickles: Again, I go heavy, at least a cup of chopped up little sweet pickles. If you choose to use Dill, we cannot be friends and you are doomed to substandard macaroni salad. These little bastards are small, but I still cut them once lengthwise, then cross-cut about the same width as the celery. If in doubt, add another pickle. Toss them in a big bowl with the celery. I don’t know what came over me, but for some crazy reason I’ve poured a smidgen of that sweet Gherkin juice in the bowl on occasion.
Onions: I like Vidalias, but they are not around here year ‘round so pick a variety you like, leaning toward the sweet side. I don’t like big chunky onion pieces nor texture, so I choose to annihilate them a thoroughly as possible with a knife like a madman in a slasher movie. If there are tears running down your cheeks, your doing it correctly. Somewhere near a ½ cup seems good. Toss those bad boys into the big bowl.
Radishes: I like to get about six of them with the approximate diameter of a pre-1964 Kennedy silver half-dollar coin because after that the treasury started debasing our currency by using less expensive metals. Unlike onion these add color so I wouldn’t argue against peeling them and dicing the skins separately for optics, however, that’s too much work for me, so I annihilate them with the same zest as I did the onions. I get a little heavy here, just because you cannot buy such a small quantity of radishes and I wouldn’t know what else to do with remaining orphans.
Mayonnaise: I like Duke’s but the batch I made with Hellmann’s worked out as well. If you choose to use Miracle Whip – we cannot be friends and you are doomed to substandard macaroni salad. I go for a full cup of that fabulous fattening glop into the bowl.
Sugar: I don’t double up here, and put four tablespoons into the bowl.
Vinegar: I like to pour two tablespoons (over the bowl) so there’s a little extra spillage.
Milk: Recipe reads on tablespoon, which I cannot imagine really does much, but I put it in there. Since the only thing we had in the house was almond milk, I used that. However, I’m certain normal moo-cow milk would be great. We can still be friends, you are not doomed to substandard macaroni salad.
“Prepared Mustard”: I did not know what that meant, but after research, I learned it was just mustard in a jar/bottle. Somewhere out there, there must be unprepared mustard, and I feel sorry for it. Because I’m me, I choose to use “Stadium” brand brown mustard. I go all in with a generous three plus teaspoons. I may have even used tablespoons. I don’t remember. While I’m certain it’ll work fine you can use Bertman’s Ballpark mustard, but don’t tell me about it. We can still be friends, you are not doomed to substandard macaroni salad.
Salt: The recipe calls for ½ teaspoon and I won’t argue, but I only have salt in a grinder so I ground about what I thought is a teaspoon. I’m not certain it adds much flavor, but it likely does some chemical magic behind the scenes.
Paprika: Optional – I could not find it in our cupboard, but I didn’t look very hard because why worry about it.
Slicing the eggs: I first cut in half along one axis or the other and take out whatever larger pieces of yolk before slicing the egg-whites further. This is because if you slice the egg-yolks too small somebody will not see them and they’ll tell you your salad is great, but it would be better if you added eggs. So leaving the yokes pretty big is a visual clue to your culinary critics. I also don’t get crazy annihilating the egg-whites for the same reason. Add them to the big bowl.
Now you’re ready to add that pasta into the big bowl and gently mix the hell out of it making certain to really spread that dressing all around. Put that stuff back in the fridge overnight because I like it cold, and the night of chilling seems to help the flavors meld. Re-mixing a little before serving the next day!